The Working Dead


From Cafe Press

You may think it’s a zombie, but it’s probably the senior surgical trainee. I’ll tell you why:

1. The eyes of a zombie are glazed over and may appear hazy. Zombies do not blink.

After a few rough calls, any surgical trainee will tell you that they rock that glazed look. Good old eye drops may become your very best friend. And who has time to blink, I need to check that ?appendicitis’ blood results, book stab abdomen guy for a laparotomy, finish my ward rounds and insert the central line that the intern couldn’t manage. I’ll blink later, damnit!

2. The tissue of a zombie continues to decay and produces a distinctive odour. New zombies may have little or no odour.

I didn’t have time to blink, so where did you think I’d find time to shower? Anyway, it might not be my own erm… distinctive odour you’re getting- that bowel obstruction in 6F really does have projectile vomiting…

3. The skin of a zombie will appear pale…

Surgical trainees generally don’t see the sun (or the tanning bed) often enough to give their skins the Donald Trump treatment. If it’s any consolation, hopefully that will culminate in a decreased melanoma risk in the long run.

4. Zombies walk in an unstable, shambling pattern…

Shift’s over… Must make it to car… Hot shower…. Warm bed…

5. A bite mark may or may not be apparent…

Yes, patients do bite. Especially inebriated ones and children. (Ask me how I know!)

Surgeons on the other hand, don’t bite. Unless you’re consulting me, trying to sell the patient as a GIT bleed but you haven’t actually done the rectal exam to check for melaena. Or you haven’t checked the pulses in that fractured limb. Or you’re the radiologist refusing to scan my patient when we both know that my request is reasonable.

Or if you’re that ham & cheese sandwich that I’ve been having daydreams about since before we went to theatre this morning.



Author: Scalpelista

My favourite Beatle is George Harrison My favourite Stone is Keith Richards (who else?!) My favourite Sex Pistol is Glen Matlock... no wait Steve Jones... ok, definitely Glen... and maybe Steve. I promise I operate better than I write.

2 thoughts on “The Working Dead”

    1. So true! As a registrar, you don’t always appreciate how many problems your consultant resolves behind the scenes. It’s only once you can no longer pass the problem along to the consultant because congratulations YOU ARE the consultant,that you realise what they get up to.

      Liked by 1 person

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